I’ve been moving in this direction for a while. Gradually and voluntarily as a deliberate developmental practice. But last year a crisis in my family domain more or less forced me into a more sudden slowdown and the letting go of a lot. While being in the midst of it I have frequently felt overwhelmed and often a bit frustrated. But also surprisingly well functioning. As I’m now experiencing being on the ”other side”, a sense of stillness and appreciation is growing, along with being exhausted as hell.
It also seems that this experience came with a distinct detachment from the world as I have known it. If it is irreversible or not remains to be seen. For the time being I’m caught in an experience of humans and the way we live and behave as weird and surreal. Damn, we are in such a hurry. And wow, how many strange things we find important. And oh, how self-absorbed we are.
I’m merely contemplating here. Not issuing criticism. I could be the one that has totally missed the point of contemporary life. And if so, I’m most likely in for some serious reckonings. But, even if I have missed the point, I find it unlikely that I’ll throw myself back into the torrents of modern life. I feel in my bones that I’m done with that. I’ve had a transition process going on slowly for decades, and last year helped me and pushed me over the edge. I don’t think there is a way back even if I wanted to, and I’m on a deep level happy about it.
What I am referring to is primarily my state of awareness and my experience of life. And the way I perceive and relate to the human world we collectively have created up to now. In practical terms I still have to navigate the material and financial realities that our modern lives have come to be consumed by. It will take som adjustments and some trade-offs and I’m working on figuring these out. As I inevitably slow down I’ll need to let go of certain beliefs, conditioning, ideas and ways of life. That is clear to me.
I want to slow down. I long for it. Some of this feeling may be due to becoming an old fart and not having the energy to rush around like I did before. Fair enough. But I’d say most of it is due to personal insights and maturing over +30 years, and not being able to ”unsee” certain behavioural patterns in myself, others, and our societies. We’re collectively on speed and I resent that. A slow life is more in tune with the more than human world. Which we (surprise, surprise) are an integrated part of and dependent on.
The part of my life where I have made least progress in terms of letting go is my work life. This may surprise some people who have come to know me as being a bit progressive and working on innovative ideas. I have recently come to see that my work has served well intentioned visions and initiatives, but hopelessly lacked real conditions to create meaningful outcomes. I hold myself accountable for this. Not for failing to bring the right capabilities and competencies to the work, but for not being aware that my work mostly has been part of a grand societal charade (maybe more about this in a later post). I don’t expect the charade to end anytime soon, and I am not equipped to challenge it better than I have. So, I either have to continue to corrupt myself and play the charade, or I have to let go. I’m opting for the latter, but not without voices screaming in my head that I am an idiot and have finally lost it.
So be it. Enter a phase where I am calibrating these insights and choices to see if I can find work that sustains me and my family financially, and gives me a healthier interplay with the human grand charade. My best guess today is that I explore getting involved in more practical endeavours. Be more on the ground, do more physical serving of humans/nature/biosphere, and be in more life enriching processes. What emerges remains to be seen.
As an end note, slowing down for me does not mean coming to a halt and cease to develop. Quite the contrary, my curiosity is retained and even strengthened. I aim to learn until I draw my last breath. Life as I have understood it is constantly in motion, but it does not hurry. Life is also best lived unattached, as attachment creates expectations, disappointments, failures, delusion and conflict.
– Jan