Confessions of a middle-aged man

Today I turned 55. I am told that with favourable genes and some luck I can live to be 100, or even more. That is truly mind-blowing. So what to do with the remaining +45 years? What has come to mind the last few years is to develop my ability to be alive. To really live on this amazing, wonderful planet of ours. To be as rich of “aliveness” as possible.

Today I therefore also turned a page. After roughly a decade of active inner work I’ve come to the point where I no longer can or will pretend I belong in the life I was born into. This never was my world. I understand that fully now. I sensed it early on. I never really fitted in. But was smart enough (or maybe not…) to understand what was expected of me. So I tried. And tried som more. At times it was ok. Sometimes even wonderful. But most of my life I’ve carried the melancholy of not feeling at home in this world.

Today I can see that things started to shift more distinctively in me during the pandemic. Work gradually slowed down, and eventually more or less ceased. I found myself seeking other types of perspectives and conversations. I studied new and different things. I learned and practiced well-being at new levels. A beautiful love relationship came to an end. I also found myself re-connecting with nature. In forests, on fields, at sea. Walking. Floating. Talking. Listening. Meditating. And feeling at home. At last.

Today I start to more intentionally build my new life. The home in me. The foundation is in place, but I have no idea what the rest will look like. I’ll be making insane amounts of prototypes. Iterating ideas for love, work, income, how and where I live, and more. Most will probably not work, and take me back to the metaphorical drawing board. I’ll probably be frustrated a lot. And impatient. And giggle. And cry. And enjoy being fully alive in committing myself to do the work. Which in essence is to figure out how I can create and sustain a parallell existence to conventional lifestyles, that works really well for me. But also honor my desire to fruitfully co-exist with other types of existences that people chose in life.

Today my wish is that you’ll support me in this transition. I wish to keep my bonds to the people I love and respect and learn from. A few have for some time seen where I’m headed, others may think I’m further down the path than I really am, some may be a little surprised, and yet others may not really care. For me it is beautiful if we can live in different worlds and still co-exist and have connection and mutual respect. You don’t have to believe in my process. Or my reasons. But please don’t judge me. What I would appreciate is if you could be happy for me. That would be awesome. Just as I am happy for you.

Today I am thrilled for my awaiting adventure. Much love.